A Dose Of Reality
by Aspenleaf
Summary: An unusually quiet Sunday turns horrifying when an unexpected case hobbles through a Seattle hospital's ER doors. Throw in a nightmare and the MC and hilarity ensue. E/B


**This bit of silliness was bought by Titforfuckintat for the Eclipse Fandom Gives Back. I will say I am relieved she liked it, and even laughed a little.**

**Thank you for your generosity and your williness to share.**

**To my dear 4theluvofmary and Ladyeire, I appreciate all the laughs and discussions that made this story a reality. **

**Thank you's to my betas Lambcullen and Daisy, who were able to get through this story relatively unscathed.**

**You ready? Alright here we go...**

**I do not own Twilight.**

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_Dr. Isabella Swan_

"Forty-five year old male... no signs of cardiac distress... reason for visit..."

I sighed loudly as I poured through the charts from the last 12 hours. I was going on twenty-six hours now, and no amount of caffeine was helping me stay awake.

"Twenty-five year old female... presented with severe abdominal pain... ruled out appendicitis, ectopic pregnancy... diagnosis... gas."

I yawned loudly and rubbed my temples in an effort to keep my head from throbbing.

It seemed like a lost cause at that point. If I didn't get up and move soon I was going to crash – hard.

The loud buzz of my pager startled me. I quickly pulled the damn thing out of its holder and looked at the screen.

_Twenty-seven yr. old male admitted due to severe pain. Need you ASAP._

"Finally," I murmured, relieved. As tired as I was, I knew being up and walking around would help.

Walking out to the main desk in the ER, a nurse handed me the patient's pre-admitting information. I read through it quickly, ascertaining that he was a relativity healthy male who was suffering considerable pain in his groin area.

I rolled my eyes instead of snorting, which was what I was tempted to do. He had probably been kicked in the junk... typical male.

Anything that affects the jewels is a life-or-death situation.

Knocking quietly on the door, I continued to read through the patient's history. I heard a "We're ready for you Doc-" from the other side.

"James," I chuckled when I heard his voice. His tone told me this would be an interesting case.

I opened the door and thanked James, noting the way he was sporting the wickedest smile I had ever seen.

_Well, this has got to be good._

Two men were seated in the chairs beside the patient. A woman would have to be blind not to notice the level of attractiveness now sitting in my exam room. I just never realized how many types of attractive there were.

_They're like night and day._

One was tall, blond, and lanky. The other was tall but burly, with curly brown hair and dimples to match.

I turned toward the third man, who I assumed was the patient. He was the one lying on the bed, so if he wasn't then I obviously needed to go home and get some sleep.

I looked him over, trying to assess his physical appearance... Damn, he was one handsome guy.

If I weren't so tired I'd be drooling, instead I just stared like a zombie, unable to pull my eyes from the pretty man in the bed.

_I can say pretty, right?_

I guess I stared too long, because both friends of the patient erupted in laughter.

_What the hell? _I looked at them, confused.

I couldn't imagine what was funny about their friend being in the ER. I turned back to the man on the bed, he was bright red and glaring furiously at the two.

"Edward Masen?" I asked loudly, trying to get his attention.

"Um... yeah," he answered reluctantly. His arm was draped protectively across his lap, and I bit back a chuckle.

_Men._

Holding out my hand, I introduced myself. "My name is Dr. Isabella Swan..."

"Hey, um, no offense but is there a male doctor I can see?" He turned away from his friends to look at me.

My momentary fascination with Edward's stunning appearance was quelled after a few seconds. I huffed in annoyance at his arrogance. This wasn't the first time I had been dismissed as a doctor because of my gender.

_Fucking Asshole._

"I'm afraid I'm the only doctor available right now," I said coldly.

"Oh... okay," he mumbled.

I was still annoyed by Edward's comment but decided to drop it

_Perhaps I'll give James full reign over his tests. That'll brighten his day._

"It says here you came in because you are experiencing intense pain in your groin? Would you care to elaborate on that? Was there an injury to the area?"

The two men seated had been relatively quiet, except for the occasional snicker. Unable to hold back any longer they bowled over, laughing loudly.

Annoyed and tired, I lost it. "Excuse me," I snapped. "What are your names?" I demanded.

"Emmett and Jasper, ma'am," the blond one responded, suddenly serious.

Narrowing my eyes at them, I silently snickered when the two men shrunk back in fear.

_That's right, boys, I mean business._

"I am _sure_ you know this is a hospital, right?" They both nodded. "And there are people here who are very ill and suffering. Do you think it would be within your ability to give them the peace they deserve to heal?" Both nodded again. "Perfect, then we understand each other." I smiled.

"Okay, so where were we? Ah yes, why are you here?"

Edward looked away, and his cheeks went pinker than a plastic flamingo stuck in a trailer park lawn. "It won't go down," he mumbled.

"Pardon?"

He let out a loud exasperated breath. "It won't go down."

_Um..._ I arched my eyebrow.

"What exactly won't go down?"

He waved his hand over his groin in annoyance.

_Oh, please, no._

My fears were confirmed when Emmett covered his mouth, attempting to stop laughing. He sounded like a choking goat.

I glared at him at him until he finally stopped. "Well, I need to take a look," I said in a brave voice. It was quite unfortunate that inside I was trying to run away like a coward, screaming.

_No way am I going there, bitch_!

He looked at me with an expression that jumped between pain and total shock. Something to the effect of 'you are out of your damn mind lady.'

"If it would make you feel more comfortable, I could ask James to come back in while I examine you," I offered.

His second look was even better. I imagined this time it was a 'no way in hell,' look.

"Okay, no to James then." I set down the chart and washed my hands in the sink. Once I dried them, I grabbed a set of gloves and put them on. "Alright, let's see this little problem."

Emmett and Jasper snickered.

"Little?" Edward challenged.

Ignoring him, I pulled back the sheet to get a look at what I was dealing with.

_Holy Mother of... That is the biggest… reddest… I don't think I could even wrap my hand around that thing. _

Dropping the sheet, my head snapped up to look at Edward as I pointed at his, um… protrusion. "How long has it been like this?"

"Erm..." he rubbed the back of his neck and tried to look away. "About sixteen hours?"

"Sixteen hours!" I shouted. "You're lucky you still have a penis!"

"What...?" he stuttered. "You think it could fall off?"

"No way..." Emmett added in a whisper.

"Damn it, Emmett, this is all your fault," he shot at his friend.

I sighed.

_Gay. Figures. All the good looking ones are._

I ran through all the possibilities that would cause such an abnormal reaction.

"Have you taken any Viagra recently?"

"No," he scoffed, clearly offended.

"Drugs? Alcohol?"

"No and no."

I looked at his friends from the corner of my eye. They were looking at him with what I could only guess were apologetic faces.

_I am too damn tired for this shit. Attractive or not, Mr. Erection and crew are really getting on my nerves._

"Well then, Mr. Masen. I'll just have James come in and draw some blood. A full board of tests should show us _what,_ exactly, is in your blood. And hopefully, we will be able to figure out what's going on." I smiled at him as I removed my gloves and pushed the button for James.

He walked through the door carrying his phlebotomy kit and whistling something way too cheery, considering what he was about to do.

"James, I'd like a full panel, along with a tox screen, please. Start him on 5 mils of Terbutaline, and could you get a couple of ice packs?"

"Sure thing, Doc," he said, grinning.

I shook my head at him, but smiled.

_Cheeky bastard._

"Mr. Masen, I'll be back as soon as I have those results. In the mean time try to relax, it'll help the... blood flow."

**~I~I~I~**

_Edward_

_Shit… Shit… Shit._

_I needed to fix this now._

_Okay, come on, Edward. Think man. Think about anything that will help deflate this situation._

_Aunt Carmen… nope._

_Uncle Eleazar… nope._

_Uncle Aro… In nothing but his stocking suspenders?_

_Motherfucker… that's just wrong._

_I looked down and absolutely no change! Not a single bit of difference.__Uncle Aro clothed should have been enough, damn it!_

Giving up, I threw my head back on the bed, covering my eyes with my free arm.

"I'll be needing that arm, unless you want to give me the one protecting the problem." James the demented whistling nurse, smiled brightly.

Bastard thought this was funny.

I handed him my arm, and he went about poking me for veins, whistling.

Scratch that… add annoying to the bastard.

"Emmett, you are a fucking asshole. I don't know if I'm ever going to forgive you, dude."

"Oh come on! The doctor was impressed. You could tell she couldn't drop that sheet fast enough."

"Shut the hell up, it probably scarred her for life."

The nurse just kept on prodding and whistling, as if we weren't in the room. If he wasn't careful I'd let all my frustration out on him, using every expletive I knew. He had to know his happy 'zippity doo da' attitude was not appreciated.

What did I do to deserve this? Not only was I faced with the reality off my dick falling off, but my doctor… She just had to be gorgeous and completely my type. If I didn't already have a giant, painful hard on, I would after just a quick glance at her.

Now she thought I was a loser with a circus-freak dick.

"Think of it this way, Edward," Jasper drawled. "If you make it through this, you'll have already gotten to know each other well enough you could ask her out."

_Don't think I didn't miss the 'if' part of that statement._

"Yeah!" Emmett chimed in. "She knows you've got staying power."

"Shut the fuck up! This isn't funny. If you were in my place would you being laughing, asshole?" I asked testily.

"I think you pissed her off when you asked for a male doctor. Like she wasn't good enough or something." Jasper added.

"Ouch!" I screamed, when James pulled the rubber band too tight around my arm.

"Sorry," he apologized, before he went back to whistling. Jackass.

Although I was sure Isabella was a capable doctor, I did_ not_ want to suffer the embarrassment of…

A: a female knowing my problem, and B: A gorgeous female at that.

I wanted nothing more than for the bed to swallow me up, letting me and my beet-colored cock disappear.

"I just want them to give me something to fix this and get the hell outta here. I've been humiliated enough for a life time."

James snickered before pricking my skin with the needle.

_Son of a bitch! That really hurt_.

"Thanks for the warning," I muttered.

"You're welcome," he said happily, as he went back to filling the vials.

"So what do you think caused it?" Jasper asked.

I honestly had no clue. I hadn't had sex in months. So when she asked if I had taken Viagra, it was almost laughable. Shit, even if I was in the game I wouldn't need something like that to get it up.

"No clue, Jasper."

"I think he whacked off one to many times." Emmett offered, laughing.

"I'm going to ignore you two now. I'm suppose to be relaxing remember?"

"Okay, all done." The nurse packed up his stuff. "You did good, took it like a champ. I'll be back with the ice packs in a minute." He smiled and whistled as he left the room.

_I hate that guy._

**~I~I~I~**

_Dr. Isabella Swan_

"Doctor Swan?"

I looked up from the computer as Jacob from the lab shoved a paper in the direction of my face.

"Thanks for rushing that, Jacob."

"No problem." He smiled. "Hey, is it true about the guy? That his um… thing is going to explode?"

I stared at him, thinking he had lost his mind. "Seriously?"

He looked sheepish for a moment. "Well, that's what I heard."

"You know I can't discuss that with you. But, no, its not going to 'blow up'."

"That's cool. It'd totally suck for him if it did." He smiled and walked away.

I looked at the lab results. He had elevated levels of ibuprofen and… sildenafil citrate.

I looked it over twice, and even a third, to make sure I was reading it correctly.

_That son of a bitch lied to me._

There was nothing I hated more than patients lying to me. Not only did it make it harder to correctly diagnose someone, but it put their lives at risk. I never understood why people would jeopardize themselves, not to mention my career when they came back and tried to sue me for negligence.

With this information, and the research I had done, I was fairly confident of my diagnosis. I called my superior and relayed the information to him, noting his tone as he told me he agreed with my findings. He gave me the green light to begin treatment.

I knocked, but didn't wait for an answer before walking through the exam room door. I was fired up about being lied to, and the fact that the arrogant man on the other side thought he could get something over on me because I was a woman only fueled the flames.

"Well, Mr. Masen, I feel that I have a pretty good idea about what is going on. But first I'm curious about a comment you made earlier referring to your friend Emmett. You stated that it was his fault. Would you care to elaborate?"

He reddened and looked like he wanted to refuse.

"Please understand me, Mr. Masen. I can only do so much. The health of _your_ penis depends entirely on _you_ being honest with me." I looked at him as seriously as I could.

He sighed, "Emmett was only trying to make it better. He…"

I gulped not sure I wanted to hear this or not.

_Damn him for being so hot_.

"He recommended that I… masturbate to get rid of it."

"Oh." That was not what I expected. "How many times did you masturbate?"

"What!" he choked.

"I said, how many times did you try and masturbate to fix your problem? Did you notice a difference?"

"Um… no." he paused for a moment. "It actually got worse."

"I see. By worse you mean chaffing? Redness? Additional swelling?"

He scoffed, "Sure, among other things. Like pain, discomfort and just a slight fear that my penis will fall off."

"Point taken. Mr. Masen, I believe you have a rare condition know as Priapism. It's not unusual, but..."

"Wait I know about this, I learned about it in my classical studies class." Jasper interrupted us, Edward rolled his eyes, and I rubbed my temples.

"What does Greece have to do with my dick, Jasper?"

"It's your condition, stupid. Its name is derived from a satyr who was cursed with a giant wooden cock."

Emmett looked at Edward, and then back to Jasper. "No way. This just keeps getting better and better!"

Edward looked angry. In fact, I was pretty sure if he could have managed to jump off the bed and strangle his two friends, he would have. Sadly, he would have probably hurt his dick even more than he already had.

"So you're saying I look like some kind of weird goat man? Thanks, Jasper," he said sourly.

"Goat man. Hahahaha," laughed Emmett.

"Shut up, Emmett!" Edward yelled.

This was probably the weirdest experience I had ever had. I looked over at James, who was trying hard, and for the most part failing, not to laugh.

Jasper continued with his explanation. "The satyr was cursed with a huge cock and chased a nymph named Liota, he was about to have her when an ass scared him by braying. He lost his erection and the nymph ran away. Apparently Priapus despised asses so much the Greeks killed them in his honor."

"Jasper, as much as I appreciate you, this is not helping."

"I know, but…"

"Enough." Edward begged.

"Okay back on topic, your lab results came back with elevated levels of sildenafil citrate. Also know as Viagra." I paused letting this sink in. "I know that earlier you stated you had not taken Viagra. Would you like to amend your statement?"

"I. Have. Never. Taken. Viagra!" he said testily.

"Please, calm down. Because you have it in your body we need to figure out what else might be the culprit."

He glared at Emmett. "I took an herbal supplement Emmett brought back from China. It was supposed to help me during my workouts."

I had heard of herbal remedies containing energy boosters, but never Viagra. "Do you have any of the supplement with you? It would help if we could send it to the lab, so they can analyze it."

"Sure, it's in my bag." Emmett offered. He handed me the box, which was covered in Chinese characters.

_Nice_, I thought. Let Jake try and figure these out for a while. "Thanks."

"I am going to start you on an IV. I'm hoping you will respond to phenylephrine. At this point we _will_ have to drain it if no progress is made within the next couple of hours."

"Wait..." Edward knitted his eyebrows together in a way that reminded me of a child when they are figuring out a particularly hard math problem. "You'll have to drain it? With a catheter?"

I bit the inside of my cheek – it was the only way to stop myself from laughing. "No, Mr. Masen, although it may be every mans dream to be able maintain an erection for hours and hours. The issue you have here is that there is no longer enough blood flowing through your penis. No blood flow equals no oxygen. No oxygen means your penis dies. In order for the natural circulation to be restored, you either get your little boy calmed down, or we come in with two very large needles. We insert the needles through the head of your penis and we drain the blood out. One side at a time."

I peeked to the side and saw both his friends' jaws drop open. Their hands reflexively covered their crotches, and when I looked back at Edward, his eyes were crossing as he fell back onto the bed.

Hurrying over to him, I felt his face, which was cold and clammy, and his pulse was fluttering wildly.

"What happened?" Emmett demanded.

I ignored him, and hit the button for assistance. Shit, I may have just scared my patient to death. Within seconds James was in the room, helping me start a line while I assessed Edward.

I didn't even have to lift the sheet to know that even the fear of needles near his junk had no affect. I scared him to death, and still there was a pup tent rising from the middle of the sheet.

Listening to his heart, I was relieved when the racing began to subside and his pulse returned to normal. A few seconds passed, and his eyes fluttered open. I was surprised by how green they were. I wondered if he wore contacts. Most people had hazel eyes which were a mix of green and blue or brown. His were a dark, mossy green and endless. My sleep-deprived brain wanted nothing more than to fall into them and dream of huge penises and bronze-colored sex hair.

I felt an elbow nudge me. "He's awake, Doc." James. I'd forgotten he was here. In fact, other than Edward, I hadn't realized anyone was in the room.

He was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for an explanation as to why I was so close and staring at him. I quickly grabbed a thermometer to take his temperature, hoping I would no longer look like a crazy sex-deprived loser.

I put my hand to his forehead, my fingers brushing his hair out of the way. It was so soft. I bet he colors it. And spends half the day in the bathroom mirror arranging it so it looks like he just woke up.

_Prima donna_.

No one's hair was that soft or naturally that color. Fuck coloring, I bet he gets a weave. I snickered to myself as I pictured Edward in a salon chair with foil in his hair, reading a magazine under a dryer.

_Okay, Isabella, shut the hell up right now._

"James, will you start Mr. Masen on a round of phenylephrine? Check his progress every thirty minutes. If he isn't responding with in the next two hours, we will need to drain it."

"Will do," he said, grinning cheerfully, right before he winked.

I rolled my eyes and walked towards the door, trying to preserve what dignity I had left. I heard Edward murmur something but couldn't hear what he'd said.

"No worries, Mr. Masen, you're in good hands."

_This place is nuts. I need a nap ASAP._

I was finally able to slip away to sleep for a while. I had informed the staff that if they needed me I was in the lounge, but I silently prayed I would get a good hour of rest. I took off my lab coat and pager and fell onto the cot, unconcerned with the fact that my limbs were splayed across it like I was offering myself up to the nearest taker.

After tossing and turning for five minutes, I finally curled up into a ball and drifted off to sleep

**~I~I~I~**

_A thick mist was rising off of the ground all around me. Twirling in place, I tried to figure out where I was, but the landscape was completely foreign to me._

_I looked down screaming, as I realized something was really off._

_What the hell! Why am I completely naked?_

_I haven't had a naked dream since med school, and that was only on test days. Starting at my feet, I gazed at what I could see of my body. What the hell was going on?_ _My hair had grown about twelve inches, enabling me to cover my breasts with it. Not only was it one hell of a lot longer, but it was thicker and brilliantly shiny, too._

_Pretty. Wait no, weird._

_Weird doesn't cover it, Bella. You've officially lost your fucking mind._

_I used my hands to cover my crotch as best I could before trying to figure a way out of here._

_Where was a fig leaf when you needed one?_

_I had no idea what time it was. The sun seemed to shine from everywhere at once, giving me no further help. As my stomach rumbled, I realized that no matter what the physical time, my body was telling me it was time to eat._

_Perfect._

_Let's hope this, where ever it is has a fridge. Focusing hard, I realized I was in a meadow. The trees didn't have any fruit, and unless I wanted to eat grass and flowers, I was out of luck._

_I looked up towards a hill; the sun was peeking through the mist, like a prism. Like a scene from a fantasy film, the mist broke to reveal a figure illuminated by a bright light._

_It was a satyr._

_My eyes roamed its form, entranced as the wind blew through its multifaceted bronze fur._

_I strained to see more and gasped when I realized it was a he._

_A very, very large he._

_Looking up at his face, I thought I could see a smirk on his lips. If he were a real man I'd say he was smiling at me like a creepy stalker._

_That thought made me focus on another amazing feature. His eyes! They were some kind of mutant green color. It was like the eyes from the _Exorcist_._

_I hated that movie._

_The satyr started walking toward me, forcing me to step back._ _His hungry eyes never left me. They were conveying a disturbing message. Either he planned to eat me or fuck me. Neither option sounded good right now._

_Sending up a quick "sorry but there's only so much room'" to whoever sent me the satyr with a penis only heard of in porn, I continued moving backwards._

_There is no way in hell my vagina could accommodate that monster._

"_Look, I don't know who you are, or where I am, but you and your freakish monster-cock stay the hell away from me," I yelled._

_As he continued moving forward, I decided running would be my best option._

"_Liota! Come back!" he yelled._

_Who? I hid behind a tree and watched as the man… um…goat thing ran through the meadow. Actually, he wasn't exactly running. It looked more like he was loping, like a gazelle except on two legs._

_This was really weird and who the hell was Liota?_

_I tiptoed from tree to tree, trying to find my way out of this nightmare._

"_Liota… Liota…" he sung into the air._

_I had no idea how long I was able to stay hidden, but as the surrounding light began to fade, I was no closer to escaping the obstinate satyr than I had been earlier. Feeling exhausted, I lay down on the soft grass, just needing to close my eyes for a few moments._

_I smiled as I drifted to sleep, the wind caressing my skin, almost like a lover. The feeling was wonderful. I heard soft whispers across my face, neck and chest__. __Dismissing them as the sounds of the unusual forest around me._

_My reaction felt instinctual, as I hummed in contentment._

"_HEEEEEEEE-AAWWWWWW!"_

_My eyes immediately flew open, and I saw the satyr standing over me, an angry expression on his face as he looked straight ahead into the meadow. His large cock wilted, as I looked in the direction of his gaze and saw an ass, or maybe it was a donkey. _

_Is there a difference, really? With really familiar blue eyes._

_What the hell? They looked like James eyes._

_Wait. I was stuck in a nightmare with a satyr and an ass. Reassessing my lack of attire and my unnaturally soft and luminous skin, I was struck with the realization that I was…Holy shit, I was a nymph._

_Who the fuck cared! I could change into something, and if I couldn't get out of this damn meadow then, at least I could avoid the unwanted sexual advances of a hairy mythical creature. That meant… I could turn into a tree, right? Or was it a flower?_

_I stood up and ran, thinking whatever green thoughts I could._

'_Please, please turn into a plant.'_

_I looked behind me, and the satyr was hot on my heels._

_I stopped, turned and looked at him. There was no point in continuing to run, he would catch me._

_I felt myself change the minute I had given up._

_I looked up at the satyr, who was glaring at me, and then in a horribly pained cry he yelled._

"_Curse you… Ass!"_

**~I~I~I~**

'THUD'

I woke up on the floor, covered in sweat, and immediately began feeling around my body.

I wanted to cry. I had never been so thankful to be wearing my nasty-colored green scrubs in my entire life.

I peeled them away from my body in an attempt to cool myself down.

It had only been a dream. A horrible, terrible, strangely exciting dream.

And it had been about one of my patients. I had never had a dream about a patient before.

As a matter of fact, I couldn't decide what was more disturbing…the fact that I dreamt about a patient, or that he was a satyr with a wooden dick. The one thing that did disturb me was that the entire experience had been very physically exciting.

I picked up my pager, reading that no progress had been made with Mr. Masen's problem.

Sighing, I changed out of my scrubs and headed to find Dr. Cullen, my attending. He was waiting outside the nurse's station, looking amused.

"Well, Dr. Swan, have a nice sleep?" he smirked.

That was strange. "Sure?"

He full on grinned. "You were talking in your sleep. Sometime soon I would like an explanation on who the satyr was."

Oh no… no, no, no. This was not good.

My traitor face erupted in the hottest blush I'd had since Mike Newton tried to feel me up in eleventh grade.

"Well, now that is quite a lovely shade of red you're sporting. Shall we see how your patient is progressing?"

I nodded, and swallowed… hard.

I grabbed the chart and quickly reviewed his progress from the past two hours. It seemed to be getting worse.

Not good.

"I just reviewed his chart; it doesn't appear he has made any progress."

"And what would you recommend for treatment, Dr. Swan?"

"At this point this has gone on too long. The swelling in his…" I stuttered.

What was going on? I never stuttered. Ugh. The image of the satyr's giant cock flooded my mind.

"His..."

"Dr. Swan, if it's something you put in your mouth at night, then surely you can spit out its name during the day. You're a doctor," he reprimanded me.

I felt stupid, not only had I allowed this patient to get to me, his damn mythical penis was making me look stupid.

I was not going to let Edward's dick ruin my career.

"I recommend we drain it using the Winters procedure, sir."

"Very good!" He seemed pleased now. "I would like to oversee the procedure, only out of curiosity of course. It's not every day you see a case like this."

"No problem. I'll call James and meet you in room five."

I paged James and walked toward Edward's room. With a deep breath, I squared my shoulders and walked through the door.

"Feeling any better?" I asked him. After a quick glance in his direction, I knew the answer was an unequivocal 'NO'. In fact, he looked terrified.

"Your going to have to do it, aren't you?"

"I'm afraid so. You haven't shown any progress. My attending Dr. Cullen will be here to oversee." Just then, James and Dr. Cullen walked in, both looking unusually chipper.

_Not helping, guys!_

As Edward shifted uncomfortably under their attention, James went to work prepping him for the procedure, and I went to the sink trying to calm myself while washing my hands.

I can do this.

He's just a patient.

His dick is _not_ that huge... Damn it! It was only a dream.

Taking a deep breath, and then another, I turned to face him.

Looking at Edward's friends, I asked, "Can you step out for a moment? This shouldn't take too long."

Emmett looked like he wanted to argue, but Jasper was already up and tugging him out of the room, as Edward voiced his opposition to my request.

"I'd like them to stay, please." Edward asked, his voice a little shaky.

Safety in numbers, _big _man?

I nodded my head in agreement, as I walked over and began to explain the procedure to Edward… In more formal terms this time around.

"Everything clear?" I asked, and all he could do was nod.

"Okay James, I need you so keep the penis still. It's important that we only drain it sixty percent, otherwise he'll be impotent."

A mouse like screech filled the air, and I looked at Edward, who was… praying?

"Its okay, Edward, I'm going to numb it with a local. Do you understand?"

He nodded and resumed praying.

I carefully injected small amounts of Lidocaine into the surrounding tissue, taking extra precaution to cause as little discomfort as I could. Once I was done we waited for the medicine to take effect.

"Dr. Swan? Jake is here with the lab results from the Chinese herb."

"Oh, thank you, James."

I could feel all eyes on me as I walked over to the door. Jake was standing on the other side looking terribly pleased with himself. "So? What do you have?"

"It looks like whoever picked this up bought the wrong one. It's full of aphrodisiacs, natural Viagras, and anything else you could think of the help get it up... if you know what I'm saying. If they sold this for body building I guess the guy is supposed to do reps with his dick." He finished, laughing.

"Thanks, Jake," I said sarcastically and closed the door in his face.

"Did you hear all that?" I asked Edward.

"Yes." He was looking at Emmett.

"Hey, the old lady told me it would make me big and strong. I didn't think I needed to qualify _what_ I wanted big and strong."

All three began laughing.

I rolled my eyes. _Ridiculous_.

"Alright, let's get moving before that local wears off."

James pulled back the sheet. It didn't matter how many times I saw it, it never failed to shock the hell of me with just how horrible it looked.

As a rule, I thought most penises were kind of pretty. You know, in a masculine way. But this monstrosity was terrifying.

I wondered what it looked like on a good day.

Shaking myself out of that train of thought, I sincerely hoped that when this was all over he wasn't scarred for life.

Picking up the syringe, I almost gasped. I had forgotten just how big an 18 gauge needle was. I looked at Edward apologetically and slowly brought it toward my target. Edward had his eyes closed and was muttering something under his breath.

"Just try to relax." When he fidgeted again I was more specific in my directions. "Edward, you need to hold still or I'll have to restrain you."

He nodded in what I hoped was understanding.

_Steady now, Isabella._

When the needle came into contact with his penis, his eyes flew open and he began to scream.

_Wait a minute... that was too loud to be just one scream._

As a matter of fact, the entire room erupted in a cacophony of noise that rivaled a room full of fangirls.

I looked around the room.

All five of them were screaming and cupping themselves.

_Men._

**~I~I~I~**

**Six months later…**

"Oh Bella…" he moaned, as his body rubbed up and down mine.

I was ready, no, more than ready. It had been so long since I had had sex. I could just feel my poor vagina crying in anticipation.

"Are you ready?" he asked in between kisses.

"Yes… yes! Please." I begged him, my willpower completely gone.

Something niggled at the back of my brain. I knew there was something I was forgetting, but in my lust-induced haze I couldn't be bothered to figure out what. I heard the tear of a package and felt all thoughts flee my head when his penis slipped inside of me.

"Oh, Edward," I cried out, as he tried to slip inside of me.

"You weren't kidding when you said it had been awhile. You are so tight," he moaned.

It took a few minutes, but he finally made it all the way in. When he started moving, the good feeling was mixed with a slow burn.

_Huh_,_ I don't remember feeling that before._

The faster and harder he moved the more it burned.

"Edward, it's…"

"Holy shit you're tight, are you coming already?"

Was I? Definitely not, unless my lack of action had turned my vagina into the Sahara, making my orgasms burn like a yeast infection from hell.

Wait…

Oh my… "Edward, stop!"

"What? Why?" He slowed down.

"What kind of..."

"Bella, you're tightening again. Oh fuck, that feels good."

He moved faster.

"SO tight… tight. Wait, too tight. Fuck! Ouch! Bella, it's too tight!" He stopped and tried to pull out. "What the hell! I can't pull out!"

"Edward, did you use the condom I handed you?" I whimpered, impatiently.

"Sure, I think."

"You think? Or you know."

He looked at the wrapper. "I guess I didn't."

I wanted to cry, this was both humiliating and painful.

"Edward, you idiot! I'm allergic to latex!"

Sighing in defeat, he said, "We're going to have to go to the ER."

**Six hours later...**

"How the hell are we unlucky enough to experience two of the rarest genital diseases out there? 'Penis Captivous'! Really?" Edward complained.

"Look on the bright side: at least Emmett didn't pick up his phone. I suggest taking him off your emergency contact list, especially with our luck."

"You mean there's still an our?" he asked hopefully.

I laughed… hard. "Of course. What girl could resist a dick as large as yours?"

* * *

**Are we all cringing now? Laughing? I know I am.**

**Just a little information so you all don't think I'm totally deranged. The condition Edward has is real and my husband saw a patient once with said condition.**

**Traumatizing? Yes.**


End file.
